I’m broke. Semi-Unemployed. Semi-Depressed. Losing hope. Wondering why I’m still here.

I have a job but work is slow and I haven’t gotten much work in about 5 weeks now. I’m looking on craigs list for stuff every day but there honestly is nothing out there right now. I think the recession has gotten me too. I’ve worked about 40 hours in the past five weeks. This is not enough to pay bills, rent and groceries anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to run out of my emergency fund. I have a bit of savings but I don’t want to touch that. I’m starting to panic massively. My boyfriend has been really helpful. Giving me his shifts (we work together), paying for certain bills, etc. But I can’t rely on him all the time. I’m also getting extremely bored. Just sitting around all the time. It’s good when it’s nice out and I can go for a walk but this week is supposed to be rainy all week and I’m afraid I’m going to go mental just sitting around. I’m just fed up. I starting looking into getting EI (welfare) for the time being but it’s not looking good for that. I want to go home for a bit but I don’t think getting a job will be that easy back home either. I have my old jobs I could maybe go back too but that’s not even certain. I applied to be an extra in a movie thats being filmed in the city. It’s just hard to be positive at this point. If I don’t find something in the next few weeks, I’m completely screwed. It’s scary. I don’t know how people can be in this position and have kids, house, mortage, cars, etc. That would be too much. We also are going to New York in July and I have the hostel and bus paid for but I’m not sure where I’m going to get the money to eat, have fun while I’m there. I was going to rely on my taxes but I don’t even know if I’m going to have that by the time we leave. 

So on the weekend I ran into some women’s issues. My friends and I decided we wanted to go dancing. My one friend said there was a place around the corner from where we live and they played some good oldies music. So we get there and the bouncer looks at us and says “it’s full, no use to wait”. Not even a second after he let’s in about 20 people. Now my friends and I aren’t your typical trendy “hot” people. We’re good looking but we weren’t dressed the way they wanted us to be. I was wearing a t-shirt and cut  off shirts and my friend was wearing a skirt and a shirt. Nothing that was showing off our boobs or legs, so I guess we weren’t fit to go inside. We got so angry. Like why can’t we go inside a bar, dance, drink just like everyone else? What does it matter what we look like? I am all about equal rights and everyone having the same chance as the next person. I have never felt so fired up about it though then that night. So we left because we were way too mad. As we were walking up the street my boyfriend decided to fist pump random people (he’s friendly when he’s drunk). Certain people weren’t down with this. He went up to two thug looking guys and they were like “get away, fuck off, etc” so I apologized and smiled. The one guy says to me “suck my dick”. I just stared at him not knowing what to do. Then he just stared me down and said “SUCK MY DICK, BITCH”. Being drunk and all this freaked me out and threw me over the edge. I started crying (if I had been sober, I probably wouldn’t have cried). I just felt like a piece of meat. First I couldn’t get into a certain business because of what I look like and second some fuckhead thinks he has the right to say this to some innocent girl just being nice. 

So this has put fire into my soul. I am going to start something or do something or whatever for equal rights. It’s not even about feminism. It’s deeper than feminism.